music

good melody, and lyrics =]

Love

love is hard =] no one said it was goin to be easy. When I think of love my first thought isn't my parents.
Every since I was a child I always associated love with girls; its just how I was influenced. =] this emotion that I feel usually troubles my chest area near my heart. its not a bad feeling on the contrary I actually like this feeling a lot. I feel as though I just wanna give my everything to this other person. Sure, I'm scared as hell, nervous, shaking but aren't those just signs that I really cherish this person. Its as though this person became special, delicate like my own life. When they're in pain, I feel a bit of it too.

"When I tell you
I LOVE YOU
i don't say it out of habit
or to make conversation
I say it to remind you
that you're the best thing
that ever happened to me"

kristine. in one sentence you're my everything. I know i often times I overuse the phrase "I love you" but i don't just say it out of nowhere I said it to remind you that you have someone that really cares for you.

here's a poem that sums up why I'm scared

"I'm scared because...
I don't want anyone else
to have your heart.
I don't want anyone else
to kiss your lips
I don't want anyone else
to be in your arms
I don't want anyone else
to be the one you love

I'm scared because
I don't want anyone
to take my place."

I know that we are not as tight as we were but we'll make it through. I don't even want to consider losing you. as selfish as that might sound that how I feel. I'm NOT saying to that you stop focusing on school -_____-. I know the importance of education and that you really care about it. things will get better, it will. I'll try harder much harder. dont take this as bothersome for me, I'm simply doing this for us. I don't want you to see this as you're fault cause its not. Its just challenges. I know you changed, and thats fine the part im worried about it when you don't have any feeling left for us. anything could be fixed just stick with me.

some thoughts

Thank you alan, just to let you know I did read every word and I want to thank you. You clearly gave me suggestions that I never thought about. I can not promise you that I will fix my relationship with peter. There's just been so much pain from it I just find it easier to just block him from my life as much as possible. I know he tries, but I don't wanna put up with him right now, maybe in the future. You've been inspiring and I wanna thank you. You brought me some hope and intense emotions when you brought back my old blogs. I sometimes visit some of them, but not all. I even forget sometimes that they were there.

i wanted to just repost this portion:

Thank you God for a good day. I know I haven't spoken to you lately nor have I thought about you much. I know I keep asking you for help. I feel guilty for not talking to you as much anymore. I am not worthy of you. I just want to thank you for helping me on the mid-term this morning. It was really easy, I'm glad I studied. Thank you for movies, I love them all ^^ especially humor. Thank you for music, it helps me kill time when I'm bored. Thank you for my clothes, I think it'd be awkward if I didn't have them :P. Thank you for fortune cookies, I love the little fortunes inside the cracker ^^. I know I haven't been a good son for my parents, but thank you for allowing me to have them. Even though they are busy, weird and annoying at times, I'm glad to have them as my parents. I wouldn't be here if it wasn't for them, but that doesn't mean they own my life just cause they gave me life. I'm grateful for what they've done. Thank you for Kristine, she is just absolutely amazing. I hope we last forever. Yes, even peter -.- as messed up as he is, he has been helpful...at times...rarely. Thank you for the friends I have made, all the amazing memories and adventures that i had; I'll never forget them. I thank you for everything you've done for me, for anyone that has been there for me, for everything that has happened to me...thank you for that...thank you God.

With much love,
Joe

your wisdom is truly a blessing *smirk* you're right...I made those happen, I made them possible. Thank you alan i found some faith again.

maybe this is tunnel vision

you know despite how hard I try, nothing really ever goes the way I want to. It annoying because I am supposed to have control over my own life right? I should be out there having fun, hanging out, parties and shit instead Im at home everyday...doin the same or similar shit over and over again. clean my room, watch tv, play some games, drive mom around. It also gets to me because theres always peter there able to go and do whatever the hell he wants and Im stuck with the chores. wtf. I've been trying to drive on my own. dad's condition: license, job, learn how (drive with him on the freeway) shit I had my license for a long as time now, job no place I applied to wants to hire me because I dont know how to do anything. I never even had a freaken job before so there is NO EXPERIENCE anywhere. this just pisses me off. so like last week I told my dad that by the end of the week we were gonna practice on the freeway alright. Friday: he told me he had work today so we couldn't. Saturday: mom took my brother's car to SF with her girl friends and went shopping. you know what peter did? he took my car. MY FREAKEN CAR! the one that I was supposed to practice on the highway with. I got hella pissed off, that just ruined my whole entire day and it was in the freaken morning. I just woken up too, fucken A! so I text kristine to see if i could see her but she told me she was at the beach so double shit right into my face. I had no way of venting. I remember thinking to myself -when dad leaves Im just gonna find all the alcohol I can find and drink it. Dad didn't have work today funny huh so I never did poison myself with alcohol. life is a bitch and this God i've been worshiping ever sunday finally gave out. I don't believe in his crap anymore. I've tried hard to follow his teachings to be humble, a helper but shit look that got me no where. aint that great? rather than getting back good karma I got nothing. Oh! it got better today. guess what my dad got sick isn't that funny? Friday, saturday and sunday gee thats just perfect for me aint it. maybe I do have tunnel vision because all I see are the negative crap of my life. It never got any better. nothing got better.

its been awhile hasn't it

I haven't blogged in a long time or at least it feels like I haven't. Im at school right now no class for another 20 mins and I just felt like blogging.

so yesterday was my birthday. I overslept but it was my birthday so i was like oh what the hell. dad offered me a ride and I agreed only after he told me that I could bring my bike. I was on time yet their group presentation started already anyways i just sat down and observed basically. after that we had a guest speaker, she had hell humor and she talked with us about her life and how being a drug addict took an affect. she made some joke and it was enlightening but also enjoyable. after that was my lld 2 extra class, I thought yesterday was the most productive my instructor has every been. he was quick and informative but not repetitive =]. For japanese, my friend told the whole class that it was my birthday so they went up to the board and wrote it all out in japanese. japanese class wasn't as fun as most days but it was still a blast. Oh! yeah, so i lost my wallet which had my vta pass, i was gonna get a replacement from wilson but he kept forgeting so today i just waited till he got out drive up to milpitas and vta back. I got to see kristine yesterday, finally hahah ^^

check out linkin'park - not alone, it would be perfect for a retreat =]

You better have a good reason

You talked to peter again? Or did he just send you some funny clip. You know what, I don't even care anymore. I keep asking you to stay away from him for your own protection but it isn't working. Nothing I tell you is working. I don't care anymore. I don't want anything to do with peter. If u wanna get hurt like I did fine, go ahead but leave me out of it. I was checking up on you yesterday and you aimed me saying "peter is retarded, LOLOLOL" I felt sad, and betrayal. You told me that you were doin something and you'd talk to me later. I understood that. But peter. How the he'll did he get into this. After all the support sweetie I gave you, thank you for connecting with peter -_____- that....that just warms my heart. I don't know what to do anymore. I don't even think talking to you is significant anymore because I don't see you react any differently. We still haven't talked about what I wanted to talk to you about. You've been so busy, left me cold in the wind. Nice...

For eveyone else that's reading this, never speak about peter in front of me that's just asking to get your face punched in.

My mind is taken away

I can't think about anything more important than you. The thought that if I put something else before you scares me. I don't wanna lose you, yet it hurts waiting for you to become available. It's sad that I can't ever tell you these painful things when we're together. These sorta thoughts never occur to me when I'm talking with u or when I'm texting u. Even if they do pop up in my mind, I try to ignore it because moments with you are so rare and special to me that I don't wanna waste it making unhappy memories. My mind is always wrapped around the thought of being with you. It might be big it could be small but it's always there. I keep thinking that we'll finally do something together. There's so much I wanna talk to you about. I wanna tell you what I think about, how my day was, our possible future but more so I wanna know more things about you. I like being with you, I like how you are capable of cheering me up, I love your laugh, your distinct smell and creativity. You're very cute, and imporant. I really like spending time with you because you're someone I wanna be with. I know you're busy and I really don't wanna seem like the needy type. I just needed to clear my mind.