wahoo!

I just got my essay back from my teacher and I got a 4-
-YES!-
i feel really good right now, cause now I have at least one pledge that I could use to pass the class. idk i have a greater chance of passing now so im happy ^^
I just gotta get to school on time now so that I would be able to take the final exam =]

eh, i gotta feeling peters gonna yell at me when i get home cause i some what cause my dad to take his keys. basically, i asked him to drive me and he told me he didn't have school and didn't get up. I waited to see if he got up or not but he didn't and I would be late if i waited any longer so I asked my dad. he got pissed and told peter to hand over his keys when he got home. I don't know if he really took peters keys or not so yeah. if he did, then peters gonna bitch at me, if not then he'll just say "are you stupid?" and blah blah blah. so yeah, I having a good day, lets hope it stays that way.

what should i do...I don't feel like continuing the TA program

I love leadership, I love being surrounded by my church buddies but I really don't wanna go to the TA program each week for like 10 weeks or so. On top of that the program is at some other place that starts at 3:00 -.- class ends at 3:30. I don't know if its even worth it anymore. I already packed with school work, and my social life. To add, I can't drive so I don't get to decide where I wanna go. Sometimes peter decides to go to the mall and if I walked it would take longer so I have to follow. There's too much that could go wrong and too much dependence on me, I scared that it'll just crumble on me all at once and I'll be blamed. If my grades fall, parents yell, restrictions are made, and everything will be like a prison. I remember someone once said that "you can't have it all, something has to go"

Idk 30 minutes each saturday seems like a waste to me. I would rather just come back and see how everyone is doing.

The only thing that i feel bad about is Monica. I asked to become a TA, her TA and now I'm just gonna walk off and leave? thats hella messed up. idk , I thinking of talking to her about the program. hopefully, there will be a way for me to still be the TA but not attend those TA program classes =/

i really screwed up today

I ignored kristine today...again (second time). we were agruing yesterday and I didn't wanna resolve it cause we were about to sleep. anyways day came, and she was expecting me to say hi, give a hug, ask it she was okay. I failed all of that. so freaken ashamed of myself. I messed up this time. the pain is finally getting to me. its starting to hurt. the guilt the pain, seeing her not responding to me as fast anymore. how she doesnt know what to say. it hurts the most when you said that it was hurting you so much, how I abandoned you at spc. I look at myself and i just think -you're so fucked up, how could you do that to her, you freaken idiot! Ahhhhh!- I dont like when I mess up with you.

I feel like a big human piece of shit sigh.
sorry sweetie
I'll to be better, forgive me

bad night bad night

wow,I wasn't as sick asyesterday but man tonight went from good to bad. jeez.
mom wants us( peter and I) home right now. I don't really wanna deal with anything at home or with anyone really. I just wanna go somewhere like a beach and just watch the waves so i wont have to think about anything. sigh. everything is pissing me off, from chores to school work. jeez. freakin crazy ass classes assigning hella shit to me. hella reading, research, essays and crap fuck! give me a break. Then I come home and there's not even something decent to eat -.- i would look in the fridge and there'd be just jars and crap. nothing.

oh yeah I just remembered; on thursday or wedsday I was still suffering from sickness and had to use the restroom. I asked him if he could pick me up. he said yeah so as my stop approached the stop i texted him to come now cause I needed to go. I waited like 5 minutes and remembered that last time I waited an hour and could've been home by then so I was like -fuck this im not gonna wait for his ass- so I walk and walk I was half way home, 30 minutes of walking. when he called me. I was pissed. he was like "where are you, I'm at the lightrail" me: wtf -.- I tell him that I'm almost at walmart. when he FINALLY picked me up I was pissed and he assumed that "we were cool" fuck that I was mad. then when we arrived at the house he was like "pull in the trashn and recycling bin" i was like wtf I need to use the restroom why the heck would I text you to come early, call you three fucken times. so yeah. bad day that was.

but yeah. mmom wants me home and I really couldn't give a shit right now. i aint the driver and if she wanted us home she could contact peter. He does have a cellphone too.

I think i know why this is happening to me. I don't stand up for myself. I get pushed around tooo much and its finally pissing the shit out of me. you know what? I had it. moms always say "cause your more responsible, better than your brother" what a load of SHIT -.- I dont give a shit if im better than him or not, I want an equal share of work distributed. why the hell should I be stuck with the chores and crap while he spends most of his time MSing. fuck.

Thank you God

Thank you God for a good day. I know I haven't spoken to you lately nor have I thought about you much. I know I keep asking you for help. I feel guilty for not talking to you as much anymore. I am not worthy of you. I just want to thank you for helping me on the mid-term this morning. It was really easy, I'm glad I studied. Thank you for movies, I love them all ^^ especially humor. Thank you for music, it helps me kill time when I'm bored. Thank you for my clothes, I think it'd be awkward if I didn't have them :P. Thank you for fortune cookies, I love the little fortunes inside the cracker ^^. I know I haven't been a good son for my parents, but thank you for allowing me to have them. Even though they are busy, weird and annoying at times, I'm glad to have them as my parents. I wouldn't be here if it wasn't for them, but that doesn't mean they own my life just cause they gave me life. I'm grateful for what they've done. Thank you for kristine, she is just absolutely amazing. I hope we last forever. Yes, even peter -.- as messed up as he is, he has been helpful...at times...rarely. Thank you for the friends I have made, all the amazing memories and adventures that i had; I'll never forget them. I thank you for everything you've done for me, for anyone that has been there for me, for everything that has happened to me...thank you for that...thank you God.

With much love,
Joe

Have faith in us

wondering about my past is fine, there's nothing wrong with that.

I didn't date many girls, you are the third girl that I really liked.
we all have our share of rough relationships, and the last one really shattered my heart and soul. Im not sure if you know the feeling of pouring your all into someone and it just dies like that. I thought it was gonna last but it didn't. It hurt alot, i even cried. Felt like a part of me just died then, so forgive me if I'm not more passionate towards you. Im really trying hard to give you what's left of me. Its not much is it?

I just hope you understand why Im like this. The past is the past, we are the present thats all that matters, but if you wanna know about it I'll be willing to tell you everything. There's nothing wrong with that =]

Worrying

to recap on the top of my head, I've been distressing. Lots of school work is cramming at me at once. I dont have the freedom to do as I please anymore. I have a midterm tomorrow and I have no idea what is gonna be on it. Tet Trung Thu was fun, it was a chill day before homework so I tried to be happy, possitive and have lots of fun. Caught some fish at first, but it got really packed so I moved to help the teachers with balloons. It was so bad, it was in the middle of like...no where just the sun. it got really hot, so when we switched helium tanks I just went elsewhere. Thai tea was alright, the first one was really bland, the second one was okay except they basically only gave me ice. The meat was good. mass was alright, really hot and the bees kept flying around me T-T. I got some alone time with kristine, it was good while we were alone. I missed the "fish drinking contest" (so weird)

At night huy and I passed out candy and chips. I helpped out taking down some tents, put away chairs and bought more thai tea. I didn't grab a lantern this year :/ oh well. After wards we went to smoke eatters. wasn't really hungry just watched everyone else eat. I drank lemonade and sprite. Afterward we decided to walk around down town and ended up at school. we came back and drove Kathleen, Richy, and Nang home.

Driving was okay. I didn't like how I was unable to back the car up. I dont know how, and dad tried to explain it to me but I still didn't get it so ugh. He made these remarks that slowly aggravated me. I was angry and kinda stepped harder on the gas but I was still cautious of everything.

I have math homework due today. I had three hours to do it but I just didn't understand it. I guess I'll let it go this time :/ I don't like how life is going right now. school is too time consuming i dont have time for anything I wanna do. :/