My Greatest Regret

So some of you guys know the story of my mom and the accident that happened awhile back.
For those whose haven't heard my story, I'll retell it.

I was a sophmore in Oak Grove. Young, stupid, and irresponsible. Oh one more thing you guys have to know, my mom's is a neat freak k.

Anyways, my mom was currently pregnant and she was in her 40's.
Doctors told us that there was a 50% chance that the baby will live.
My mom decides to keep the baby and everything was fine.
As tradition, Peter and I had birthday partys every year.
It so happens that next month was gonna be my birthday.
This year was different though, my mom's pregnant so I've decided to do more work.
As usual we cleaned up the house. We did alittle each day till the day before my birthday.
We cleaned and cleaned and cleaned and cleaned till like around 10 ish.
Like always, I'm the one that goes to sleep first all the time so by then I was already burned out.
I told both Peter and my mom that it was good enough for me and my friends and
requested that my mom to stop cause she's pregnant. Then I went to bed.
It was later that I found out that my mom didn't stop cleaning till who knows when.
I heard that Peter went to bed alittle bit after I did, but who knows right? I was asleep.
Anyways, continuing with the story;
So it's my birthday! Friends came over. Parents came over. Load of fun right?
I remember that I kept goin around and checking on how the guests were.
I also remember that my mom was in the kitchen the whole time; walking back and forth,
back and forth, Serving constantly till the very end.
Party always ends late. People left. Trash was everywhere but we tried to clean up part of it.
It was too late though so we all went to bed.

A few weeks later, my mom got sick. So our family setted up a bed for her downstairs so she can be more relaxed. She kept saying that her stomach is hurting. My dad then asked his boss for a vaction to take care of my mom. After a couple of day they decide to go to the hospital to check it out. (I'm not sure if i remember this next part correctly though, I forget so much) I think they said that the baby had a 40% chance of survival or something. So they came home and she laid on the bed for like two weeks straight. Then finally, one day peter and I came home from school and we couldn't find her. We called and asked i think, and found out that she was brought to the hospital. Later on that week my dad brought us to visit her.

(Everything you are about to read are my facts)
(Because this next part was heartbreaking for me...
So my dad parked the car in front of O'Connor Hospital and entered the building.
I remember being trapped in the elevator as it went up...my heart was pounding...knees shaking...mind was racing...and I started sweating with fear. We finally found the room she was staying in and entered.
There she was, lying on the patients bed, medicated. She had a box. It was around 4in by 12in. Baby blue, and it was tied together by the bow in center. She opened it and showed us some pictures of the baby...the box contained photos of her, hand prints, and foot prints. She was so small, probably 2 inches. She was smaller than your hand. I tried keeping it in, I tried so hard.
Then she showed us the cloth and the basket that she was placed on. All of these things hurt me so much, but the thing that pierced me was when she started talking crazy talk. my mom said things like, she won't be able to know what life is; She won't be married. She goes on and on and it just kills me to know that I could have prevented that. I could have prevented this. I could of had a sister that I wanted for so long. Yes, I was young, stupid, a freakin idiot that is incable of using his mind correctly.

Then again, this was almost 3 years ago. The first person I decided to tell was no other than Tiffany Nguyen. After that, I shared with leadership. I thank you guys for that, it really vented me. So why do I still feel so guilty, so ashamed of my past. Why can't I let it go?

I thought about my little sister a couple of weeks ago, when Peter and I went to L.A. Congress with Van Nghe. This happened during mass. The mass was spectacular, lots of dances and faith in the atmosphere and I just thought...If only my sister were alive. Then it hit me again, she'll never get to see this beautiful mass, never have wonderful friends, never be able to experience any this, Leadership or Van Nghe. I started tearing up.

So yeah, This has been on my mind for quite some time now. So to wrap this up, this is my greatest regret. I owe my mom a child and that's a debt that I can never repay.

thank you for your time,
- Love Joe