wahoo!

I just got my essay back from my teacher and I got a 4-
-YES!-
i feel really good right now, cause now I have at least one pledge that I could use to pass the class. idk i have a greater chance of passing now so im happy ^^
I just gotta get to school on time now so that I would be able to take the final exam =]

eh, i gotta feeling peters gonna yell at me when i get home cause i some what cause my dad to take his keys. basically, i asked him to drive me and he told me he didn't have school and didn't get up. I waited to see if he got up or not but he didn't and I would be late if i waited any longer so I asked my dad. he got pissed and told peter to hand over his keys when he got home. I don't know if he really took peters keys or not so yeah. if he did, then peters gonna bitch at me, if not then he'll just say "are you stupid?" and blah blah blah. so yeah, I having a good day, lets hope it stays that way.

what should i do...I don't feel like continuing the TA program

I love leadership, I love being surrounded by my church buddies but I really don't wanna go to the TA program each week for like 10 weeks or so. On top of that the program is at some other place that starts at 3:00 -.- class ends at 3:30. I don't know if its even worth it anymore. I already packed with school work, and my social life. To add, I can't drive so I don't get to decide where I wanna go. Sometimes peter decides to go to the mall and if I walked it would take longer so I have to follow. There's too much that could go wrong and too much dependence on me, I scared that it'll just crumble on me all at once and I'll be blamed. If my grades fall, parents yell, restrictions are made, and everything will be like a prison. I remember someone once said that "you can't have it all, something has to go"

Idk 30 minutes each saturday seems like a waste to me. I would rather just come back and see how everyone is doing.

The only thing that i feel bad about is Monica. I asked to become a TA, her TA and now I'm just gonna walk off and leave? thats hella messed up. idk , I thinking of talking to her about the program. hopefully, there will be a way for me to still be the TA but not attend those TA program classes =/

i really screwed up today

I ignored kristine today...again (second time). we were agruing yesterday and I didn't wanna resolve it cause we were about to sleep. anyways day came, and she was expecting me to say hi, give a hug, ask it she was okay. I failed all of that. so freaken ashamed of myself. I messed up this time. the pain is finally getting to me. its starting to hurt. the guilt the pain, seeing her not responding to me as fast anymore. how she doesnt know what to say. it hurts the most when you said that it was hurting you so much, how I abandoned you at spc. I look at myself and i just think -you're so fucked up, how could you do that to her, you freaken idiot! Ahhhhh!- I dont like when I mess up with you.

I feel like a big human piece of shit sigh.
sorry sweetie
I'll to be better, forgive me

bad night bad night

wow,I wasn't as sick asyesterday but man tonight went from good to bad. jeez.
mom wants us( peter and I) home right now. I don't really wanna deal with anything at home or with anyone really. I just wanna go somewhere like a beach and just watch the waves so i wont have to think about anything. sigh. everything is pissing me off, from chores to school work. jeez. freakin crazy ass classes assigning hella shit to me. hella reading, research, essays and crap fuck! give me a break. Then I come home and there's not even something decent to eat -.- i would look in the fridge and there'd be just jars and crap. nothing.

oh yeah I just remembered; on thursday or wedsday I was still suffering from sickness and had to use the restroom. I asked him if he could pick me up. he said yeah so as my stop approached the stop i texted him to come now cause I needed to go. I waited like 5 minutes and remembered that last time I waited an hour and could've been home by then so I was like -fuck this im not gonna wait for his ass- so I walk and walk I was half way home, 30 minutes of walking. when he called me. I was pissed. he was like "where are you, I'm at the lightrail" me: wtf -.- I tell him that I'm almost at walmart. when he FINALLY picked me up I was pissed and he assumed that "we were cool" fuck that I was mad. then when we arrived at the house he was like "pull in the trashn and recycling bin" i was like wtf I need to use the restroom why the heck would I text you to come early, call you three fucken times. so yeah. bad day that was.

but yeah. mmom wants me home and I really couldn't give a shit right now. i aint the driver and if she wanted us home she could contact peter. He does have a cellphone too.

I think i know why this is happening to me. I don't stand up for myself. I get pushed around tooo much and its finally pissing the shit out of me. you know what? I had it. moms always say "cause your more responsible, better than your brother" what a load of SHIT -.- I dont give a shit if im better than him or not, I want an equal share of work distributed. why the hell should I be stuck with the chores and crap while he spends most of his time MSing. fuck.