I hate my bad memory...I just hate the fact that I am always like this

-sry for the cussing-

Why wasn't I there when she needed me?
She texted, but I couldn't receive it...do you know why?...I know...
It's cause I FUCKED UP...AGAIN!!!
my phone was at Tiffany's and Andrew's house. Why was it there?...I know
I forgot it there along with my jacket and my ipod.
Why the HELL do I keep forgetting SHIT...EASY SHIT.
IT AINT THAT HARD TO REMEMBER TO GRAB YOUR STUFF JEEZ!!!

My mistake costed me dearly this time though. She had to suffer...alone cause of the mistake I made. HOW THE HELL DO YOU EXPECT ME TO THINK THAT "ITS OKAY"
(its not okay, not to me...not to me)
I didn't know you didn't like needles, you never told me...I never asked
You text me cause you wanted me to comfort you, to know what you were about to go though. You cried today...I'm not sure if it was from the blood, the needles, or simply cause I didn't respond to you... Please don't think that I have abandoned you, I never will. I'm just so sorry right now. I should have protected you, I should have been there for you, I SHOULD HAVE REMEMBERED!!!

The one thing, I hate about myself...is my memory. Can't remember...why...why can't I remember things that anyone else could.
I can't remember my childhood (I hear stories, -aunt- "remember? you when you were a kid, you would just run around and wave to anybody you saw, yelling 'hello!, hello!" (don't remember) -peter- "hey! when we were small, you always picked on me! O:<" (don't remember)
it's not only my childhood, anything really. everyday sorts of things, hw, chores, the lessons in class, favorite thing a certain person likes, a conversation we had in the past, the thing that happened yesterday, what you like, what you don't like, what we did, secrets, stories, orders, favors, my keys, my papers. The one that hurts me the most though is, my childhood. I see pictures, many many pictures of peter and me, me and my family, me by myself and you know what the sad part is?....I can't even recall who that kid is, I have no memory of it happening. I sometimes wonder that, THAT really isn't even me in that picture...

Please believe me though when I say that I have never forgotten about you. I think of you every moment. I'm constantly worrying if you are alright, if anything is troubling you. I'm sorry I couldn't reach you when you needed me, I am truly sorry for what I put you though today. (reasons why I like to keep all my stuff on me at all times and I check if I have these things on me at all times. I'm sorry for today, i really am. I'm so sorry...so sorry. It's fine if you can't forgive me, I'd understand, I'm sorry kristine